3rd Jun, 2020

The Remarkable Mrs Cox Blog - Lockdown Day 8 - Telephone Porkies and Uncle Ernie’s shenanigans

Bromsgrove Editorial 14th May, 2020

Mrs Cox continues her isolation by chatting with her husband Lenny who died 75 years earlier – just at the end of the Second World War.

There’s no denying yower late brother Ernie was no saint – medda few bob in the Bullring Lenny and yow know I daint approve of some of his black-market moonshines especially them fake fivers – but I cor cop me breath about what happened this morning. ‘Onest to gawd there’s some slippery beggars afoot.

There wus I ‘avin a nice brew afore I started on me contribution to our VE Day garden party food. I wus planning on mekin coronation chicken sandwiches with the crusts cut off – thought the ladies in these flats would like them like that on account of them lookin’ a bit lardi-da and also easier on those as am a bit gumless. To be fair yow can count me in that number – gumless. Only got four of me own teeth left now and the rest am all feke.

But gumless I mebbe Lenny gormless I’m not – so when the blower goes and interrupts me plans I was disconcerted as I daint recognise the voice

“Am I speaking to the lady of the house?” a bloke asks

“You am – why? I asks

“Ah” he says “that’s good – now can I just check your name.

“Mrs Cox” I tells him “Emily Cox”

“That’s correct Emily” he says. “This is the Government Department of Pensions and I am pleased to tell you that there has been a bank error in your favour and you are due a payment of £500. We just need to confirm a few details.”

Well for a minute me heart leapt for joy an I wus about to give ‘im me pension number which I know orf by ‘eart – then I remembered us old ‘uns ‘ad bin warned to be on the look out for scammers

“Yower nom Ernie?” I asks ‘im.

“No it’s not its Hugo – now Emily if we could just take your bank details so I can process the money”

“Well Hugo” I says “It’s Mrs Cox to you and I think your bank error is about as real as the one on the Monopoly board. In fact I think yow’m a conivin’ little toerag and to chose this toime of isolation to try and con an old lady am more than criminal – it’s cowin’ wicked! Yow mek me sik –if I could see ya – I’d deck ya – done that afore to many a bloke – now retreat beneath whatever stone you cum from under”

Of course Hugo ‘ud gawn long afore I’d finished me piece but I cor stop – you know me Lenny.

Any road today that nastiness aside tomorrow is May 8th and 75 years ago back in 1945 Winnie told us all our efforts ‘ad paid orf and we’d won the war. He declared a public holiday in celebration and my word did we party.

Victory wus something we all believed would ‘appen despite the odds. Like the Pop now – we believe some clever clogs will wave ‘is or ‘ers magic wand and give us a vaccine and soon and be nice if it um British – share it of course – but we do seem to ‘ave bin a bit behind other countries in the pop wars so far – so be nice if we could ‘ave a BVV day – that’s what Elvis the postie called it when he was pontificating to moi from his six foot social distance. British Vaccine Victory Mrs Cox – that’s what we need. Now Flo thinks Elvis is a bit jingoistic as ‘er calls it – but I loikes Elvis’s patriotism – why he even had a Union Jack brooch pinned on ‘is turban.

Well the sandwiches um dun – cut the crusts orf in the morning. Must admit I’m excited about tommorrah.

Night Lenny love ya mate

Click here for more on Wallop Mrs Cox, created by Bromsgrove’s Euan Rose.

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